Letting Go & Stepping Back

Well friends. It's New Years Eve.


I think I am going to miss 2010 because I really like saying twenty-ten and twenty-eleven just doesn't have the same ring to it does it?


It's been a year to remember this one.


Looking back, it seems like the theme to 2010 for me was letting go and stepping back. 


Although there is a lot that I do say here on my little blog, there is much more that I keep for those close to me, my husband, and sometimes just myself and God. There is a certain vulnerability that blogging has brought into my everyday interactions with you sweet hearted people who read regularly and also are a part of my everyday life. I go back and forth between embracing the vulnerability and resisting it. I think that's okay though.


So here is what I will say about the theme I mentioned,


Letting Go & Stepping Back:


In the early months of 2010 Drew Jones and I took some breathing time for the church community we had given a lot of our lives to (and that has given a lot of life to us) for years. The reasoning and details are important, but I'm not going to talk about them directly. It feels like family business, something that shouldn't be broadcast or discussed with folks uninvolved or unfamiliar and so that is the way it will remain for me.


The early months of breathing time turned into mid-months, turned into present day. We both have been on a journey through the choice to step back from our church community. I have struggled with pain, disappointment, anger, sorrow, judgement. It took awhile for the loud emotions of early upheaval to quiet down so I could truly step back and view myself and the situation through different eyes. View the life I live with a fresh perspective. See my relationship with God for what it was.


What I've come away with is good. It is not ideal or perfect or finished. But it is very good. In hindsight the timing was good. I needed to see what I saw. I needed a broader perspective of God. Stepping back and letting go proved to be a good remedy for me in this particular situation.


Skip to August, the early weeks of my pregnancy. Sick. sick. sick. And feeling more helpless then I can remember feeling ever. 


There are things you don't find out about yourself unless you get married, I am convinced of this. There is no other relationship in this life that mirrors marriage. It captures the true form of the word amazing. 


One of the things I have found out by being married is that I like to have control. I thought I was easy going, flexible, go with the flow. 


No.


Now I know the truth.


I learned this truth pretty early in our marriage and have been letting go of control of things here and there. 


Working on it you could say.


Then I got pregnant and felt as if all the vital resources and energy I needed to control my life around me were sucked away and replaced with a very heavy and debilitating nausea blanket.


All control I had was gone. I relied on Drew Jones, God, and my saintly Mom for everything. Everything.


And the truth is, I know I came off a lot of the time as unappreciative. Not because I didn't appreciate but because I was ashamed of my lack of power. I hated being incapable. I was thoroughly humbled and didn't like it one bit.


Eventually I saw what was happening. I saw that this was a situation God wanted to use to show me to let go and lose control. To step back and let others be capable. To show me that I am not the pilot.


So I did. You'll notice I was too sick to write anything on this blog. I didn't return phone calls or make them myself. I missed work for weeks upon weeks. I lost touch with friends. I didn't make a meal, run a single errand, or clean. I could hardly read or watch TV. I just existed a very solitary and sick existence of reliance on those very close to me that could love me in my wretchedness.


What I learned was my husband he is very capable. He has been all along. He is  more thoughtful than any other man I know. He cooked and cleaned and grocery shopped. He handled it. When you are controlling (like me) you tend to think that no one can take care of things, that you should just do it yourself because otherwise it won't get done (or done right). Those illusions were crumbled by how I saw Drew Jones go to work every day and take care of hundreds of needy little kids and then come home and take care of the whiniest little kid of all. Me. And the grass that needed mowed, the trash that needed taken out, the little puppy that needed lots of attention.


I learned that I need my Mom. She came and gave us relief just when we needed it. Buzzing through chores and making meals like the pro she is. I never had the teenage angsty phase with my Mom, but I was a very independent child who turned to an adult (with control issues...haha.)And through this experience I saw my Mom in a new light. I really really needed her through those months and know that I will in the future as well. The pompous little independent kid who thinks she can do it all herself and has all the answers got a good dose of life "boo ya". I respect my Mom more than ever now.


So I think this is where I will conclude my thoughts on 2010 and my cheesy theme. As much as my run-on sentences and choice of subject matter makes it seem like 2010 was a downer of a year. It wasn't at all. It was truly a great one :)


Happy New Year! 


Now go write yourself a letter reflecting about your 2010. You'll be thankful you did in years to come, trust me.

It's the week of Christmas.

We will be spending Christmas Eve and day with Drew Jones family and the following days with mine.

I am 23 weeks pregnant today and someone mistook me for 8 or 9 months the other day.

The whole, "your belly is so big!" thing may bother other pregnant ladies, but it doesn't me. I guess when I think or say it to friends I never mean they are big, I just mean their belly is big. And that is just lovely. So that's how I take it to be meant when said to me. 

This week has been a roller coaster week, a test of how easily I can let things roll of my shoulders like a duck in the rain (it's been a struggle). Part of me would like to share, to document. But a bigger part just wants to forget about the downs and focus on the ups. So that's where I'm at.

One of the big ups is Christmas. Contemplating the enormity of God sending Jesus to be born, God in human form so that he could eventually save us. 

When the Christmas song says "Peace on earth and mercy mild" I don't think it is talking about the lofty goal of no fighting, wars, or corruption...because we are in fact on earth. I do however think it is talking about Jesus coming and "God and sinners reconciling." We are able to access peace on earth in our hearts and minds one way and that is through Jesus. We are able to have everlasting life because of His grand and sacrificial plan He executed to perfection.

"Joyful all ye Nations rise! Join the Triumph of the skies!"

If you haven't reconciled with God yet, maybe this Christmas is the time. 

:)

Deck the Halls

I've mentioned that Drew Jones and I love Christmas.


And this year, that hasn't changed. The one thing that has changed is that I am growing a baby boy that is measuring large in my belly and the hormones needed to do that have had me tapping out for 4+ months.


This has put extra responsibility on Drew Jones during this time and tired him out too.


I've been feeling much better and the other day he said to me, "Having you back is like having the best player on your team back in the game."


Oh, that Drew Jones. 


Feeling particularly unworthy of his sweet love I asked him yesterday why he chose me. He said, "Because I love you. I couldn't imagine spending my days without you in them". Sitting there with my big belly in my stretchy pants and no make up I asked him if he still felt that. He said, "Yes, of course." and he wasn't being sarcastic either.


I'm getting off topic.


The point is Drew Jones and I are both tired out. Him having done two people's work for 4 months and me growing a baby.


So when Thanksgiving was over Drew Jones lugged the two big red and green storage bins full of Christmas decorations up the stairs and they sat there for 24 hours staring at us.


And without having to even discuss Drew Jones took them back downstairs the next day.


It was just too. much.


So this year, no lights on the house. No tree. No trimmings.


There are a few things that have made their way out into the light. Not because we put any effort of our own in. But I am so thankful they are here.


Here is what has snuck in:

 A Santa candy dish with no candy. 

I do however throw stray bobby pins in it when I find them.

It got here because I found it in the spice cabinet a couple weeks ago and decided to let it free.

A lone ornament on our house plant tree.

We got it in a Christmas card from my bloggy friend Cynthia Jean.

Thanks Cynthia :)

My Mom made us these amazing stockings. Aren't they lovely?

She dropped them off last weekend on a visit and I finally made it to the store to buy the hooks to get them up today.

Of course Scout needs a stocking as well. So I got this one for her at Walgreens. Haha.

It's sassy and bedazzled. I thought it would be something she would pick if she had words.

 This last one is from my Mom as well. It was part of my birthday present. A framed vintage Christmas card. 

It's understated and pretty and I love it.

So that's all we've got over here at the Jones Cottage.

A lot of love and a few decorations.

I'll take it.

Little Dog Big World

Shortly before I got pregnant Drew Jones and I painted the kitchen. We also changed out hardware, put in a couple new lights and painted ourselves a chalkboard wall at the side door entrance that comes into the kitchen.


I drew this image of Scoutie on it a while back and included her full name at the top.


Scout Sunbeam StinkBref Jones.


As you can see she has two middle names. We gave them to her after getting to know her for awhile. Sunbeam because she likes to sleep in a good warm beam of sun. StinkBref because, well, her breath is just.terrible. and we like to make up our own versions of words..i.e. "Bref".


Drew Jones and I also like to make up human preferences and characteristics for Scout that will make us laugh till we cry.


Some of the recent ones are:


She has given her life to Christ and loves Jesus.


She loves MMA and Ultimate Fighting and watches it on pay-per-view to learn new moves to use against my Mom's dog Rzeznik.


She has her own Ipod and uses her little paw to shuffle through the only 3 songs she has on it. Which include:


- The Dog Days are Over - Florence and the Machine


- Wonderful Christmastime - Paul McCartney (a song Drew Jones and I both do not like, and Scout changes the lyrics to to suit her dog life)


- Iris - The Goo Goo Dolls (She plays this while in her crate and moody about life)


Oh, Scoutie. It took us 6 months to potty train you and you still don't know how to "drop it" but you've increased the laughter here at the Jones Cottage considerably. Sassy little bunny rat.

All up in my grill

Every 6 months I go to the dentist and get my ego completely boosted.


Some people hate the dentist, but whenever I go I always hear how pretty my teeth are. And I am a sucker for being called pretty, even if they're just talking about my teeth.


Last Christmas my sister got Drew and I one of these:

Since using it we have been to the dentist twice. 

They were the fastest most enjoyable dentists visits of my life.

This time around they knew I was pregnant (I had told them ahead of time to avoid any radiation via x-rays) and they were fully expecting sensitive gums, gingivitis and bleeding. These are super common side effects of being pregnant. Both the hygienist and dentist stared into my mouth in awe exchanging comments on how amazing my gums looked and how healthy my mouth was. 

I just smiled, showing off my pretty teeth (ting!) and told them I used the sonicare toothbrush.

They were so pleased with me.

All this bragging is to say, this toothbrush is revolutionary.

I'm telling you what, the first time I used it I couldn't believe that I had spent all prior years using a regular toothbrush. The difference is so drastic between the two and how clean your mouth actually is at the end of using it. A regular toothbrush seems archaic in comparison. It is a bit expensive, yes (unless your sweet sister hooks you up). But, is worth every penny. It also has a built in sanitizer for the brush heads, you just push a button and it completely sanitizes your toothbrush. Such a bonus feature for this germ-a-phob. 

So add the sonicare toothbrush to my list of favorite things.

:)

Tis the season for Favorite Things

I watched both episodes of Oprah's Favorite Things. It was magical.


Who am I kidding, I watch all of Oprah's new episodes and almost all of them are magical. Except the ones where she has old movie stars I don't know come on for an interview. Snore.


So I've picked out a few things that I've come across and enjoyed lately. Maybe you'll enjoy too.

This Soap

Charlie's Soap. Holy crap, a pregnant woman's laundry dreams come true. For 3 months I gagged over the smell of my freshly laundered clothes. We used a green laundry detergent that previously had smelled clean and nice to me...and now, ugh. Gross.
But Charlies's Soap has absolutely no. smell. whatsoever. And believe me, with this pregnant nose I would be able to tell you if it did. And it works beautifully in cleaning our clothes. My friend Cassie told me about it and then I found out that lots of my friends use and love it.
I have joined the club.
Did I mention it's safe, non-toxic and biodegradable? It is.
You can buy it on Amazon or if you are in Columbus you can get it here or here.

This Book.

Nurture Shock by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman. The disclaimer here is that I have just started to read it. BUT - it is blowing my mind and lining up with some thoughts I already had about children and parenting. If you decide to read it let me know, I'd love to have someone to chat with about it.

This Place.

A foodie angel named Ashley told me about Market District. It sounded so wonderful I ended up going that day for lunch. It was a magical experience. 


I know, it's Giant Eagle, a grocery store...but the Market District...well, just imagine if Santa and his elves opening up a whimsical, bustling food court. In fact, 
maybe. 
they. 
did. 
There is a beautiful salad bar that is fresh, fresh, fresh. A hot bar, and an array of different made-to-order places to choose from. Like crepes, gourmet waffles, fresh pizza, stir fry. Oh my.

Sad thing is, right now they are only in Columbus and Pennsylvania. But if you live near one, GO! EAT! BUY SOME FUDGE! ENJOY A SAMPLE FROM ONE OF THE ELVES!

These Stamps.

Drew Jones is a teacher as most of you know. Being his wife I have the joy of having him come home, take a little folded note out of his pocket and read me funny things kids said during the day.

I found out about these stamps from my friend Rachael. Even if all you do is go to the website and read them, that is enough. They will make you laugh and warm your heart.

These socks:

They are warm and cozy and say "love me" on them.

Yes, yes and yes. You can get them at the Gap, they are half off in the stores right now.Weeeee!

These vitamins.

Please tell me I'm not the only person who buys vitamins with all the intentions in the world of taking them every day and then after 3 days completely falls off the wagon.

I knew I needed a solution to this problem when we were planning to get pregnant because pregnant people need to take vitamins. SO a month or so before we started trying I looked around the vitamin section at Target and found PRENATAL GUMMY VITAMINS. They contain DHA, folic acid and the right amounts of everything else baby and I need.

AND there are gummy vitamins for peeps that aren't prego too. Men and women. They actually taste good, they aren't all chalky and vitaminy and hard to swallow. It's like eating nutritious candy. Win, win if you ask me.

Also, the prenatal ones aren't really available anywhere but Target that I've found. The regular type seem to more available at different stores though.

So that's my Favorite Things. I've got laundry soap, A parenting book,a grocery store/food court, stamps, socks and vitamins.

What a list, I guess I am officially a grown up.

Have a wonderful weekend and do something festive with someone you love. :)

Snow Globe

There he is. 

This was taken at 18 weeks when we had our first ultrasound and found out we were having a boy.

You can see his face and his little foot scrunched up by his chin.

I felt him move for the first time on Saturday morning.

And then again on Monday morning.

And now I feel him swishing around every morning and I am realizing he is a morning person, like his Dad.

I feel him through the day too. 

Not too much yet, but yesterday I laughed so hard I cried and I think I woke him up because he gave me a couple thumps.

I feel like a snow globe with the most precious contents inside.

It's Scout's world, I just live in it.

You can't tell but when I took this photo it was snowing very lightly. 

Scout is squinting trying to keep the tiny flakes out of her eyes.

You'll notice she is also sporting a fancy Christmas sweater we got her at the Target dollar spot.

Just moments ago, as I was writing this, my phone fell from the couch onto the rug. 

Naturally Scout scooped it up into her mouth and ran into the dining room. 

I chased her imploring her to drop it. Sadly, she has yet to learn what "drop it" means...so it's really a lost cause unless I offer her a treat. 

Which I did right after I lunged at her ripping an even bigger hole into the crotch of my snowman pajama pants. 

Yes, there was already an existing hole in my ultra sexy snowman pajama pants that I decided was not big enough to throw them away over. 

I'm shamed.

The treat was accepted and the phone was discarded behind the couch.

And the truth is, I'm still not sure I'm going to throw the pants away.

Like a bowl full of jelly

And here I am today at 21 weeks:

When I look at this picture I cannot believe how big my belly is.

Most of my adult life I've wondered what I'd look like with a pregnant belly and it's so surreal looking at this photo and actually seeing it.

There is a human being in there!

AH!

A baby boy who will grow up to be a man with a personality all his own. With a purpose and dreams and thoughts about life that he comes to through his own journey in this world. What an honor to have him start out inside of little old me.

Sass

Have you been wondering what Scout has been up to lately?

Here's a little something:

This is the bottom of her new bed we got her 2 weeks ago.

At least she left a note.

She has also been helping Drew Jones with chores:

AND is officially POTTY TRAAAAINED! 

(said in Oprah voice)

We are proud and relieved.

So that's what Scout has been up to.

It's December

A lot has transpired since the last time I chatted.


Thanksgiving & my birthday came on the same day this year. They were both spent in Northern Ohio with my family and both well celebrated and enjoyed.


I hit the halfway mark of my pregnancy! And it seems that 20 weeks was the magic day for a true turn around for me. The nausea is truly waning and as long as I keep myself fed and focused I can make it through the day quite happily. I am still very tired and require more sleep and rest then ever, but I even see an improvement in that the last couple days. I did some laundry! I cleaned the bathroom! I cleaned the kitchen! I chased Scout around the house! All things that have been overwhelming to me the past 5 months because of the nausea/fatigue combo that these extreme pregnancy hormones bring.


Drew Jones is doing well. We are both excited that the Christmas season has officially started. We love Christmas. The smells, the sounds, the Santa Claus coke cans. We love it all.


So I think I'm back! I think that I'm well enough to give some of this valuable energy that's coming back to writing and being creative again.


Praise God.


I'll leave you with this hilarious (to me) photo of my sister, myself and a slew of doggies. Hers, my Moms and of course little Scoutie. Enjoy.